Mental Health Discussion: “I Hated School”
Five ways to support students of all ages
Perhaps the most important thing we can do for a student, both as a parent and as a teacher, is teach them autonomy, independence, and personal responsibility. At every age, there are different milestones that a person is supposed to reach. When you are four years old and beginning school, you are learning to dress yourself, clean up after yourself, and complete your homework. By the time you are in your last year of high school, you should have mastered all of those things, developed emotional self-regulation, discipline to do what you need to do without being told, and a higher level of organization to support adult life. However, the harsh reality is that most people do not reach these milestones for a variety of reasons. People typically become stuck at a certain point either from lack of support, frustration, or some trauma, and that ends up affecting their adult lives. Additionally, as we age, we experience different milestones at different age groups. This is my strongest argument for therapy: it helps to have someone that is trained to know the best ways to help you process through every major milestone in your life. They may not necessarily give you advice, but they will help you be more readily able to help yourself.
Setting the right foundation early on in their development is important. Once someone becomes self-aware, they can work on what they need for self-improvement. The following are some recommendations to support yourself, your children, or others through school, no matter the age:
Have difficult conversations. There are countless things that children experience and witness for the first time when they are in school, and there are many things that students (or your friends) experience for the first time when they go off to college. They are observing (and absorbing) the world unfolding in a scale that is very different to that when one is no longer a student. Many people avoid certain topics like sex and drugs to name a few because they are so taboo and a possible result is unnecessary suffering and/or trauma. Instead of avoiding these topics, educate one another on it. Talk about misconceptions. You may be surprised to learn what people do and do not know on the topics that you discuss.
Ask specific probing questions. One of the things that pisses off a lot of parents is when they ask their children, “What did you do at school?” Or “How is school?” The response is almost always “Nothing” or “Good.” Inevitably, parents stop asking. As a parent, and even as a supporting friend, it is better to ask things like, “What did you have for lunch today? What did your friend John talk to you about today? What are you reading for class? Which class are you enjoying most at the moment? What is the best/worst part of college for you at the moment?” These types of questions lend themselves to a more fruitful conversation and may allow one to identify struggles. You will learn if your child is eating well, how their friends are like, their interests, and more.
Be patient and open minded. One of the biggest things that make people shut down is when they feel they are being judged for what they are telling you. If they tell you something that they find difficult to talk about, and you give a strong opinion on it, then they are less likely to elaborate. Listen fully first before providing any insight, and choose your words carefully. Do not be quick to give your perspective. As a teacher, whenever I disagreed with a student or their decisions, I would ask a series of questions to understand their perspective better. Sometimes, in those questions, they themselves reach the conclusion that I had reached initially. If I simply presented my conclusion as, “You are wrong because of this,” they are more likely to shut down and get offended. This was also my biggest issue as a student. Most of my teachers had a “My way or the highway” mentality. Typically, this means “the highway” is the only choice, for rebellious teenagers.
Find balance. Especially as a high school/college student, this is very important. This is not something that is taught at school, and consequently, we have a lot of anxious and stressed out teenagers with cortisol levels through the roof. I have known many highly intelligent students that have dropped out of college because they burned themselves out to the point that they develop anxiety disorders or depression. Society places a lot of value on “hard work” and little value on self-care. I have worked in many places where I am told to practice self-care but am also looked down on when I mindfully ask for a day off to “clear my head,” even though it is not something that I do often.
Be kind. This last one is specifically for parents and teachers. Every person needs something different in and out of school, but being mean to someone or belittling them is never the way to help them. There were many teachers that were mean to me in high school, which was nearly 13 years ago, and if you read my last post, it is clear that I have not forgotten it. Many teachers use fear or intimidation as a means for behavior regulation. That works short-term, but long-term, it actually makes their jobs harder. My way of regulating behavior as a teacher was always by earning my students’ respect, typically by showing them I cared. Whether in school or the workplace, it is in our best interests to help everyone around us flower. Be to others the person you need in your life.
“In traditional therapy, you’re paying this person, and you save all of your problems for them, and they just listen, and your friends, who are idiots, give you advice. Unsolicited. And you want your friends just to listen. And you want your therapist to give you advice.” - Jonah Hill, Stutz
Next week’s post will discuss sleep hygiene and its importance on mental health.